8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage

1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever?

When you get married, you think that as long as you pick the right guy — your soul mate — you'll be happy together until death do you part. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he is, he doesn't make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first place. You think to yourself, This is so not what I signed up for.

Actually, it is. You just didn't realize it the day you and your spouse marreid each other. Back then you had no idea that "for better and for worse" doesn't kick in only when life hands you a tragedy. Your relationship mettle is, in fact, most tested on a daily basis, when the utter sameness of day-in/day-out togetherness can sometimes make you want to run for the hills. That's when the disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a palpable sense of loneliness and grief. It's not him. It's just you, letting go of that sugarcoated fantasy of marriage that danced in your eyes the day you and your beloved posed in all those soft-focus wedding photos. You're learning that marriage isn't a destination; it's a journey filled with equal parts excitement and tedium.

Waking up from a good dream to face the harsh morning daylight may not seem like a reason to celebrate. But trust me, it is. Because once you let go of all the hokey stories of eternal bliss, you find that the reality of marriage is far richer and more rewarding than you ever could have guessed. Hard, yes. Frustrating, yes. But full of its own powerful, quiet enchantments just the same, and that's better than any fairy tale.

2. You'll work harder than you ever imagined.

Early on, when people say, "Marriage takes work," you assume "work" means being patient when he forgets to put down the toilet seat. In your naiveté, you think that you will struggle to accommodate some annoying habit, like persistent knuckle cracking or flatulence.

If only it were that easy. Human beings, you may have noticed, are not simple creatures. Your man has mysterious, unplumbed depths — and from where he sits, you're pretty complicated, too. You have to learn each other the same way that you once learned earth science or world geography. And getting married doesn't mean you're done — it just means you've advanced to graduate-level studies. That's because every time you think you've mastered the material, he'll change a bit. And so will you. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process.

"It's like losing weight," says Andrea Harden, 45, of Buffalo, NY. "You want it to be a one-time deal. You lost it, now just live. But then you learn it's a lifestyle. That's marriage. The effort is a forever thing." So don't be too hard on yourself — or him — on those days when you feel like you're struggling through remedial math.

3. Anger will sometimes flare up in such a horrible manner that you and your spouse will go to bed mad and wake up even madder

"Never go to bed angry" You need to calm down. You need to gain perspective. You need to just give it a rest. I've found that an argument of any quality needs to breathe.  Taking the time to breathe yourself and to give your spouse time to breathe helps relax everyone's tempers and calm the nerves.   This break in the action will help you and your spouse figure out whether you're angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the exact source. Maybe the fight that seemed to erupt over the overflowing garbage can is really about feeling underappreciated. Could be you're both stressed out at work and just needed to unload on someone. Taking a break will help you see that, and let go. Or maybe you really do have a legitimate disagreement to work out. Without a time-out, sometimes a perfectly good argument can turn into an endless round of silly back-and-forth, rehashing old and irrelevant transgressions as you get more and more wound up.

Remember these wise words from our beloved Rasoolullah may Allah exalt him,(sallallahu allayhi wasallam):

"By the one in  whose hand is my soul, there is no man who calls his wife to his bed, and she refuses him, the angels will curse her until the morning or until the husband is pleased with her once more."

Agreed upon

"Allah (God)  (swt), will curse those procrastinating women who, when their husbands call them to their beds, say 'I will, I will... until he falls asleep."

{So sisters, there is absolutely no benefit to attemp to "punish" your husband by refusing him intimacy and this may completly back fire right in your face.  Men are the maintainers of women and may have up to four wives..So if you do not care to lose your husbands pleasure and watch him marry another to have his pleasure you better give him lots of kindness and sweetness.  You get more bees with honey, not vinegar.  Some men may even become so annoyed with this 'punishment' from their wives that they force her to agree to giving up her nights and rights to sex if she wishes to stay as his wife..}

Authobillahimin.."

In arguments even when you do manage to stay focused and on topic, there are some fights that stubbornly refuse to die by bedtime. And if you stifle your real feelings just to meet your bedtime deadline, your marriage will surely be on the right track.  It is these successful couples who know when to give and when to take sharing in a very blessed union before Allah swt. "This was a huge lesson for me," says Halimah from Anchorage Alaska. "As women we've been trained to disobey and cause a lot of commotion when we are mad.  Kiss-and-make-up to keep the peace.  It is a strong person who will leave the negativity of feeling anger and embrace the beauty of peacemaking.  A Muslim supplication for when feeling anger is this: "I seek refuge in Allah (God) from the accursed shaitan." Spit on shaitan on your left side three times after saying this.  Do not feel afraid of starting over, you can do anything you put your mind too.  Forgive everything and forget about it.  No more bringing it up.

Keep looking for ways to fix your marital problems in a way that truly satisfies you and your spouses heart and soul.  Don't let things build up inside you until you just explode.  Wait a while to get hold of yourself — let the emotions settle a bit — and then calmly and rationally state your position.

4. You will go without sex and that's okay.

The fact is, when men are stressed out and having a hard time in their job or at home he cannot initiate or even follow through with sex.  He's not in the mood. So maybe a few days go by when we don't do it. And then a few more. And...

Sexless periods are a natural part of married life. A dry spell is not always a sign that you've lost your beauty and attractiveness.  Sometimes it is due to your husband having too much stress and upset feelings that have nothing to do with you and the kids.  Do not rely on that however, as being the reason when it happens as you and the homelife may be what the problem is.  Do your best to maintain a stress free and clean home for your husband so that he can find happiness and relief when coming home.  Your husband depends on you to calm him and help him to feel relief.  This is the duty of the wife to her husband. Care for him carefully and guard his possessions, kids and your self from harm. 

You notice you and husband are having a dry spell, then try these techniques to ripen your intimacy:

-Have the house clean and how whe likes it when he comes home.

-Freshen the kids up and encourage them to cheerfully say salam to the father at the door when he comes home by dropping whatever they are doing when they hear him enter the house.

-Freshen your self up before he comes home making sure you look very good and smell delicous for him.

-Cheerfully wait his orders that you always know will be coming and quickly do everything he asks and taking careful note of what you must do for him at another time.

-Offer to massage him and gladly do it using lotions, oils or dry bare hands depending on what he likes and enjoys the most.  Pay special attention to his neck and shoulders and any other muscles he has to use consistantly when at work.

-A good beginning is to place your hand in your husbands and tell him you will not rest until he is pleased with you.  Try this many many times and you will find surprise and good things if your husband is a just and honorable man.  I recommend to always use this kind of patience and obedience with your husband.

A saying of Prophet Muhammad peace on him:

" Should I not tell you about your wives in paradise?" "We said of course, O messenger of Allah (God).' He said,  " They are fertile and loving. if she becomes angry or is mistreated, or her husband becomes angry, she says, 'My hand is in your hand; I shall never sleep until you are pleased with me." 

-Thank him for everything he does for you and your kids including him letting you massage him, paying for your groceries, clothes and medical expenses.  (Allah does not thank those who do not thank others.  And what person deserves more thanks then your husband..?)

(Remember this:

The Prophet Muhammad peace on him, said:

"I looked into Hell-fire, and the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful. ' It was asked, 'Did they disbelieve in (i.e. were ungrateful to) Allah?' He replied, 'They were ungrateful to their husbands and were ungrateful for favors and good deeds done for them.  If you had always been good to one of them and then she saw something in you not to her liking, she would say, "I have never seen any good from you at all."

Al-Bukhari)

-When you are upset (even in legitmate claims) be soft, well mannered, thoughtful and easy to your husband.  Do not rudely insult him and make demands (this will get you anywhere that you want to go).  Politely ask him for what you woul dlik enad when he is silent, be silent too (in a sweet way not in a cold way).  If he says no, do not throw a temper tantrum just say 'ok'.  perhaps there is some hidden wisdom in what he has decided and you are unaware of it.. if it is over something truly terrible feeling and youo want to cry then cry and sit near him asking him to please hold you.  Hold him and cry softly in his arms over what has transpired and that he has declined you your request.  Let this moment be one you will both share in together.  Feel the pain of life and the rejection in a well mannered way so that you do not lose out on the reward from Allah and also earn so much respect and esteem from your husband (insha Alah) that he will in the future give your requests more thought and will work to grant you what you have asked.  This is the way of the truly blessed believers in Islam who have wholeheartedly given in to Allah and accept all of His decrees in their lives.

The key is to make sure that even if you're not doing "it," you're still doing something — touching, kissing, hugging, smiling. Personally, my heart gets warm and mushy when my husband rubs my back after any type of day. He may not be anywhere near my intimate private parts, but that little bit of touch and attention keeps me feeling loved and very secure in my status to him.

5. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.

 Namely, that when it comes to certain disagreements, there is no right or wrong — there is simply your way of looking at things and your husband's. "I used to be very black-and-white earlier in our marriage," says Lindy Vincent, 38, who lives in Minneapolis. "Now I see that I'm not all right and my husband is not all wrong. There's more gray in life than I thought, and that's taught me patience and the value of compromise."  To truly know the black areas from the white, you have to look into Islam and see what Allah has said about such matters.

The fourth condition of shahadah is submission and compliance (or al-inqiyad). This implies the actual physical enactment with our deeds of our shahadah. In fact, this is one of the main meanings of the word Islam itself, "the submission to the will and commands of Allah. This is what Allah commands in the Quran,
 

"But nay, by your Lord, they will not truly believe until they make you [the Messenger of Allah] judge of what is in dispute between them and find within themselves no dislike of which you decide, and submit with full submission" (Qur'an, al-Nisa 65)

So remember to look carefully into Islam to end your disputes and decide what is right and what is wrong.

The more I get to know and appreciate my husband for who he is, the more I respect his positions. That doesn't mean I always agree with him. But I can see the value in striking a balance that satisfies us both. And instead of harping on how wrong he is, I can usually swallow the verbal vitriol and simply say something like, "I see your point" or "I hadn't considered that." After I sincerely acknowledge his view, it seems to become easier for him to hear mine. And because I know I'm being heard, most of the time now.

6. A great marriage doesn't mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right.

It is so important to work to strike a strike a balance.  Sometimes when you fight, you raise real — sometimes buried — issues that challenge you to come to a clearer understanding of Allah, your relationship with Allah, yourself, your man, and your marital relationship.  Remember what does not break your marriage will (insha allah) make your marital relations stronger.

7. You'll realize that you can only change yourself.

Ever seen the '80s sci-fi cult classic Making Mr. Right? When the stylish heroine, played by Ann Magnuson, is hired to teach a robot how to act like a human, she seizes the chance to create a perfect guy. A hotshot commercial whiz, she uses her marketing prowess to shape John Malkovich's android character into her personal version of the ideal man — sensitive, eager to please, and willing to listen.  There is a bit of that makeover fantasy in all of us — something that makes us believe we can change the person we love, make him just a little bit closer to perfect. We may use support and empathy or shouts and ultimatums, but with dogged conviction we take on this huge responsibility, convinced we're doing the right thing.

Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting. Transforming a full-grown man — stripping him of decades-old habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies — is truly an impossible task. And you will come to realize, sooner than later if you're lucky, that it is far easier to change the way you respond to him.

Here's a perfect case in point: "I used to go off on my husband because he didn't empty the sink trap when he cleaned the kitchen," says Kimberly Seals Allers, 36, of Bay Shore, NY. "It got me nowhere; my rants only made him resentful. Now I come home and when the kitchen looks clean, I'm like, 'Cool, now all I have to do is empty the sink trap.'"

8. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you're really made of.

We all got issues. Trust issues. Control issues. And  others, that we have not even learned of yet and will eventually discover.  In marriage we show our partners their defects and they show us our own.  It is so important to focus on these defects and work on them.

It is normal to struggle with your character as a work in progress. Be completely clear in the knowledge that many of the deepest frustrations in your relationship are an opportunity for you to confront yourself.  It can be difficult to accept — after all, it's so much more comforting to keep a running tab of your hubby's defects and tell yourself that his failings are the only thing standing between you and a better marriage. But if you let it, this bumpy journey toward self-awareness can be one of the more fulfilling rewards of a committed, long-term relationship. (you'll learn to love your quirks and be compassionate toward yourself, just as you're learning to do with him.) That's the strange beauty of marriage: It's full of hard times and hard lessons that no one can ever prepare you for. But in the end, those are the things that give richness to your life together — and make your love even deeper and stronger than when it began.  And this is why in Islam, marriage is half of our religion..